I DID MY WAITING..

Hello to all!

I forgot that I had a blog for awhile and then remembered this morning and decided to look it up. After a bit I was able not only to find it, but also log in! Yay for all-knowing technology!

SO MUCH HAS CHANGED.

This is a good place to keep track of important life things because the internet is forever. Although now that I say that I can't find the link to our wedding website.

BECAUSE OH YEAH I AM MARRIED. To Erik, of course. No surprise there. Geez, so much has happened.

Okay so.. Erik got home, it was the best day of my life. It was raining at the airport. We hugged, we cried, we ate Italian food. He kissed me the second we were alone, which surprised me. We picked up like we had never spent any time apart. He is everything.

He proposed in San Diego about a month after he got home (Labor day weekend). We got married the following January. It has been pure marital bliss ever since. The wedding was beautiful. Married in the Gilbert temple, dinner that night at Darla and Joe's house in Queen Creek. The next day we had a reception in the Snowflake Social Hall. It was gorgeous. The next week we had an open house in a church in Tucson. I'm so in love with him.

I worked at BASIS Oro Valley Primary as a Teaching Fellow for a year. Part of my assignment was teaching Music to K-4 for about 4 months of the year while the real teacher was out on maternity leave. WHAT A CHALLENGE. It was fun. It was exhausting. I hated it.

Rough year, in professional terms. The climate at the school was tense, we were treated like children, we had no days we could take off without penalty. I was sick a lot. I did have some great coworkers, though. But basically I cried every week and wondered if maybe something was wrong with me because I hated working.

Then, miracle of miracles, I got a job at the University of Arizona. I worked in the Admissions Processing Unit from July 2017-August 2018. What a breath of fresh air. My coworkers were great, my bosses were super understanding and approachable, the job was rewarding and not too stressful. I came home with enough energy to cook and read and hang out. This entire past year has been a time of refresh and healing. Erik and I were able to walk to and from work/school every day together. It was awesome. I cannot say enough about how grateful I am for that job.

Just recently I accepted a new position at the UofA. Crazy how I got there. Basically, Erik and I had decided that although financially my job made things tight, I would stick with it because it was so much better for me emotionally. But then one day I was stressed about finances (we had tires stolen off of our car and then our car AC broke) so I logged on to the UACareers website and saw an advising position open. I have wanted to become an advisor for quite some time so I applied. I was called in for an interview, then a second interview. The second interview was in front of a large(ish) panel and included me giving a 15 minute presentation. The afternoon after the presentation I got a call from someone in the Career Center for the same college. He had seen my presentation and liked it and wanted me to apply to a position in his department. I did and then I was offered it. I'm really excited. It seems like it will be a really fun position that will be much more challenging and super different from my admissions one. I'm looking forward to the growth this will give me. I will be (starting on Monday) the Career Development Coordinator for the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences (aka the College of Herbology and Muggle Studies ;) ).

I had some crazy weird medical things. Mysterious medical things. They come and go but are gone currently. I got on a super low-dose anti-anxiety medication which has helped me so much to be myself.

Luna is doing well. She is very itchy all the time, even though we have tried everything under the sun to help her not be.

We moved apartments last month. The place we were in was nice but the management was basically the worst. So we are now renting from some friends/former church-mates. They have a little one-bedroom condo just down the street from our old place. It is great. The kitchen is lovely. It has a dishwasher. And now we have a washer and dryer. YAY! We had been going to the in-laws to do laundry every week. They didn't appreciate it, we didn't love it (but we are grateful). This is a much better set up. Erik did a great job setting the house up, too. It is very cozy.

So many things have happened, I ought to be better about posting them. I'll try in the future. For now, this is a concise, general update on our life. :)

xo
Chanda

The Knot Wedding Story

I am not sure if the Knot will be deleting our website, so to preserve this lovely story I am saving it here. (https://www.theknot.com/us/chanda-crossman-and-erik-petersen-jan-2017)

Our Story

Chanda and Erik are totally getting married! How did this happen?

It began on July 27th, 2013. Erik's cousin and roommate, Alec, invited him to see "Now You See Me" in the cheap seats. Erik couldn't say "no" when he found out who would else would be going. Chanda, a long-time friend of Alec's, had made plans with her best friend, Sarah, to also attend the movie.

Erik had seen Chanda around the University of Arizona campus and always encouraged his cousin to invite her over. He found her to be the most beautiful girl and really would've given anything to have an excuse to talk to her. Despite the fact that Erik had been well-aware of Chanda since the first time he saw her October of 2012 at a dance, she had no idea who "Alec's cousin" was.

Chanda and Erik hit it off. After the movie, they all went over (for the first of what would become dozens of times) to the IHOP on Oracle road. Chanda talked about how she would be moving. Erik offered to help. They exchanged numbers and shook hands goodnight. It was a pleasure to meet.

The next couple days, Erik made any excuse to go see Chanda. Chanda also came over to Erik and Alec's apartment to watch a movie. Erik and Chanda stayed up until the sunrise talking, amazed at how well they got along and how strong their friendship could be after only knowing one another for days.

Weeks passed and Erik and Chanda were becoming the best of friends. A relationship was out of the question. Erik was in the process of submitting his application to become a two-year LDS missionary in another country and Chanda was on the brink of graduating college and moving wherever a job took her. Still, they dated carelessly. They went to concerts. They went to shows. They even went to Disneyland. They weren't going to kiss, though, because that would make it more than friends. They weren't ready for such complication in their lives.

But the Disney magic did it again. The day after returning from a Disney trip, they reminisced at Erik's apartment about what had been the best experience of their entire lives. They had never felt happier. They were best friends but it was more-than-a-best-friend happiness. Sitting and listening to music, their smiles met for the first time on November 6th, 2013.

Months went by and Chanda and Erik didn't want to be apart any waking moment. Their amazing dates and friendship continued, and even though they swore not to add complication right before major life events, they felt more drawn to the idea of a relationship, even though they'd shortly have to go their separate ways. On January 6th, 2014, Erik and Chanda were playing basketball in the U of A recreation center. That night, if there had been any previous doubt, Erik decided he wanted Chanda as his girlfriend. He knew she was unconvinced, so maybe a miracle would sway her. When they finished playing, he made a deal with her that if he made half and full-court basketball shots, she would have to "do what he asked." After seeing Erik lose at shooting games, she was sure he wouldn't make lucky shots. His confidence was less than he expressed, mostly just hoping for points for trying. Erik went on to drain a half-court shot, and then a full-court shot, on first try in what could only be described as a miracle of parting-of-the-Red-Sea proportions. That night, Erik, all ready with his list of reasons, told Chanda they should be official. She agreed.

They fell in love. It only took them two more months to admit it to one another. On March 6th, 2014, on top of A-Mountain, Erik and Chanda said "I love you" with the backdrop of downtown Tucson lights. There was no doubt about what they had, however that same month Erik opened his mission call to the Chile Santiago North Mission -- to be leaving August 13th, 2014, and later Chanda accepted a position at Walt Disney World in Orlando, Florida.

The relationship grew, despite their looming separation. They were happier than ever. They went back to Disneyland. They went to San Diego, California various weekends. They passed breaks, holidays, and birthdays together for the cherished months of Spring 2014. "My Entire Life" by City Lights became their song.

Chanda's job at Disney World required her to be in Florida an entire two months before Erik left on his mission. Just as the Tucson heat picked up and monsoon season neared, Chanda and Erik could feel the weight and loneliness of their eminent goodbye. Going against previous considerations, they decided not to break up. They were too happy together to end it. The chances of them being together again in two years, no matter how slim, were worth it. Erik drove Chanda to Florida and they experienced the worst and saddest night of their lives as they said goodbye at the Orlando Airport on June 8th, 2014.

Long distance wasn't so bad. Chanda and Erik filled the hole left in their hearts with constant phone conversations and Skype dates. They worked and continued with their lives, content with the memories they created and hopeful they'd create more in real life again someday. They promised to grow individually and together. "Becoming yours."

Erik left on his mission in August 2014 and wrote a letter to Chanda on his way to Chile. For the next two years, Chanda and Erik wrote a letter to each other every single day to tell about the daily events and feelings. Letters meant everything. Even when Chanda broke her back and later left on her own Spanish-speaking mission, and even when Erik faced poor mail service on a special assignment on an island in the Pacific Ocean, they wrote everyday without fail. (These over-1400 letters are now stored in a notebook at Chanda's apartment.) Letters, cards, and packages allowed them to know each other better and become closer and more committed during the two years. They were happy with their relationship, although missing each other constantly and looking forward to seeing each other.

On August 2nd, 2016, Erik returned from Chile and Chanda was at the airport. They picked up better than they left off. All the happiness, smiles, and laughter were greater than ever. They had no doubt that it had been worth it. Being together through it all is what it's all about.

--------

On the morning of September 5th, 2016, with the permission of her parents, I proposed to Chanda on a beach in Coronado Island in San Diego, California. (We dubbed it Chanda+Erik beach.) I waited for the right moment, which came as we stood there with the ocean breeze around us, looking at each other -- just completely happy. I read her the last of 720 letters which I had written her. We sang to each other. I got down on one knee, she said yes, and my secretly placed video camera caught the whole thing.

We are overwhelmingly grateful for all the love and support we have had from our families and friends. We know what we are doing is right. We have chosen each other and will continue to do so. 

I love Chanda with all that I am.

We will be getting married for time and all eternity on January 6th, 2017.

<3

The Right Now

Found this recently and decided to publish it now. I can't remember why I didn't publish it when I wrote it, so ... There we go.

Two years ago I was on a road trip to Florida with my best friend. My life plan looked like this:

-Disney internship until January 2015, leave on a mission right after, get back from mission in August 2016 with Erik, move to Tucson, be with Erik forever.

Then the Disney internship didn't work out very well so I moved to Minnesota and changed my life plan:

-Submit mission papers ASAP, leave MN by November, get home before Erik and get a job in Tucson, welcome Erik home, be with Erik forever.

Then my call came in and I had to wait until the very end of December:

-Leave for mission in December, get home slightly before Erik, welcome Erik home, be with Erik forever.

Then I broke my back in December:

-Leave for mission in March, get home a month after Erik, be with Erik forever.

Then I got a hernia:

-Come home for February, return to mission in March after surgery, get home a month after Erik, be with Erik forever.

Then the surgery took 5ever:

-Get surgery someday, get a job sometime, bide time until then.... be with Erik forever.

I finally got the surgery. And now I am in the job process. I have been offered a couple of positions in Tucson but none that I have felt really good about taking. I have some applications in that I am really hopeful about. We will see.

But this "right now" nonsense is killing me. I AM SO BORED (and lonely). It has literally been years since I lived in the same city as my best friend (excluding that stint where H' Ivey was my companion -- she's the bomb). I know that all of this nonsense will be worth it in the long run, I'll get through it, life is good, "attitude is a choice," blah blah blah. But hot dang, it sucks right now.

If I had a dime for every time someone has told me "you're just in a transition phase right now, it will pass" I would have enough money to move to Tucson. Transition phase or not, 2 years of treading water has worn me out. I am ready for some permanency. A job, an apartment, and planning things with someone instead of by myself. I am so excited for when my best friend lives in the United States again. And I am so excited for when I live in Tucson close to so many people who I love.

Anyway, in other, less depressing news- I got to see Aaron and Melanie! My dad invited me to go to Utah with him. It was really fun. Salt Lake City had pretty nice weather, I drove a quad for the first time, A and M's apartment is so cute, I got to eat tacos and brownies, Mel did my hair a few times, we went to an aquarium! I am so thankful for my family.

Also my mom and I got to go to California to pick up my stuff. It was awesome seeing people from my mission again. I love so many people there. And H' Ramirez made me arroz con leche! :D If that isn't love, I don't know what is.

And! My cousin Derek got home from his mission! Currently I have no family members out on missions. It is crazy how phases of life come and go.

Back home (and without the missionary accent)

HEYOH.

How's it going? Well, this is old news by now but I am home again. Early. Because almost nothing in life goes as planned. :)

I got a hernia in December. From the stomach flu. Either my stomach muscles are incredibly strong or my lower abdominal muscles are incredibly weak. Or maybe both.

Anyway, the area medical man for my mission told me that I would have to get surgery and I would have to go home to get the surgery. I was, obviously, very sad about that. However, my mission president and his wife and the mission nurse and I all decided that I was going to wait it out. Because hernias are not life-threatening unless they become strangulated and infected (which mine wasn't), we were able to make that call.

I didn't want to go home but I also didn't feel completely at ease with my intestines sometimes poking through my abdominal wall (imagine that). With all of the walking and hugging and activity of being a missionary, the hernia would present itself every 2 or 3 days and it hurt. I was keeping in communication with President Hobbs and his wife about it and trusting in God.

The option presented itself that I could get the surgery done in California. I opted for that, but it ended up not working out. (We couldn't get permission because recovery time is so individual they didn't want to risk me being in the field but not able to work for more than a week.)

I was hesitant about going home because I was having a hard time loving a lot of my mission. I loved meeting people, I loved talking to people, I loved church, I loved teaching, I loved contacting, I loved studying, I loved working. I did not love being surrounded by 18-20 year old Mormons who were just starting to figure out which end was up. That was really socially challenging for me.

I was praying and fasting that whatever needed to happen would just happen and that President Hobbs would know what I needed to do. I was uncomfortable having a hernia, but I was unhappy with the thought of going home early and having to come back out.

On a Thursday in January President Hobbs called me and said "Sister Crossman, we think you need to go home." I had fasted the Sunday before that he would make a decision and that it would be the right one, so I was ready to accept it. We had 4 weeks before the next "transfers" (every 6 weeks missionaries get moved around, they switch companions and areas so it would have been a good time for me to go home and have someone else moved into my place without disrupting other companionships -- an "ET" - emergency transfer.) and I assumed I would just be moved out then. "We think you should go home on Monday."

I was a hot mess. I didn't want to go home, I didn't want to come back out, I didn't want to say goodbye, I wasn't even going home to a ward where I knew people.

Despite all of my feelings, the next Monday I was on a plane going to Mesa. The original plan was that I would get home, get surgery the next week, and then be back in my mission in time for the transfers coming up.

I was met at the airport by my mom, Darla, Jessica, Dayna, and Tianna. We went out to Mi Amigo's with Myrna and I ate a green corn tamale (my true love) and I held a baby (shhh). I was released by the stake president.

The next day I had an appointment with the surgeon. And, despite best efforts, my hernia would not present itself. Based on my description the surgeon confirmed that it definitely is a hernia but that without seeing it he is hesitant to schedule a surgery. It could be one of two types and the surgery has minor changes depending on the type/location. The surgeon said that I am "too muscley" (the first and only time I have been, or will be, called that) and he instructed me to go home and call him the next time it presented itself. He would meet me somewhere to look at it so we could proceed.

I tried, friends. I really tried. All I managed to do was make the entire area swell up (which, I learned from the nurse, is a very bad thing). I got a blessing from my dad and in it was said "Things will take longer than originally anticipated." (obviously).

Also in the blessing I was told that if I go back on my mission or not, God is happy with what I have done, He has a plan in place for either choice, and that no blessing will be withheld on condition of this choice.

I went back and forth for the next 5 weeks. Trying to get a job and then deciding that I couldn't  because I have to have surgery and then I might go back on my mission. I interviewed and accepted jobs only to call the people and tell them never mind the next day. I couldn't decide which job I would even want to get. I wanted to be a nanny but realized that nannying experience wouldn't help me get a grown-up job when I got home. On top of that, I had/have no car and no money to buy a car. I don't know many people in Mesa and really I just wanted to move to Tucson. But I didn't have a job or a car and I still needed surgery and I still haven't decided whether I am going back on my mission or not.

That was pretty much the past 5 weeks in a nutshell, ha ha. My hernia has only presented itself once since that initial surgeon's appointment and it was at 11:30 PM on a Friday, not exactly an ideal time to show the doctor.

My mom and I were in a car accident thing (this lady hit our car on purpose because she felt we were driving too slowly) and it shook me up a lot. My uncle gave me a blessing and in the blessing I was instructed to "Get to work."

I accepted two jobs. One is with children who have autism. I (will) help them work on their goals and provide help to their families. I'm excited about this job because I get to work with children and help families. It also presents an opportunity to further my experience in Psychology and one of the supervisors referred me to an awesome Masters program that I am looking into. The other is at a home for unaccompanied minors who are in the States from other countries. I'll be a mentor/babysitter for them. That interview was in Spanish and I passed, which was scary and exciting. I like this job because I will be helping the community and improving my Spanish. Also, they have centers in Tucson where I might be able to transfer.

I have finished almost all of the trainings for these jobs and should be starting in the next couple of weeks.

I have no idea what the next few months of my life is going to look like. But I know that God is leading it, so I'll just follow along as best I can.

xoxo
Chanda

WOOO

A little update on the fun things I've been doing recently..

I went to AZ for a month! I am so glad I went. As soon as the doctor cleared me for travel (which, really, he just said I could walk on my previously-broken foot) I called my dad and we made flight arrangements. "GET ME OUT OF HERE!"- me, ready to leave Minnesota

I stayed in Show Low for about a week with my dad and... LUNA!!! It was lovely. Show Low was much warmer than Minnesota (imagine that) so I was able to walk LunaBug and spend time in the sun. It was still, you know, Show Low, so there wasn't a lot to be done but it was relaxing.

This was actually taken when I left, look at her sad sad eyes. :(
"You're breaking my heart!"

I went to Tucson! Oh my goodness, it was awesome. I ate poutine (in Tucson. Not in the state where I have lived for 7 months bordering Canada. Life is strange.), tacos, enchiladas, green corn tamales, pizza, In N Out, Eegees, and donuts. The foods I had truly missed while I was away.

I was able to catch up with a bunch of my friends and they were so so kind in letting me stay with them and driving me around and keeping me entertained. I'm so thankful for that opportunity. I have world class friends. I also got to see my aunt, uncle, and cousins who live there! It was AWESOME getting to see my cousins and how grown up they are getting. Their house truly feels like home and I am so grateful I was able to experience that again.

After my lovely time in Tucson I went back to Show Low for a while. I was able to go to lunch with my Grandma and Grandpa Stewart! We went to Darbi's, a Lakeside tradition. I'm so blessed to have them in my life, especially since they were kind enough to drive all the way from Snowflake to see me.

They're so lovely <3

I was also able to see Wyndie, Eugene, and Monte (aunt, uncle, cousin). They took me to dinner and it was really tasty and super fun to catch up. I consider myself lucky to count them as family.

My dad and I drove up to Northern California to see my grandfather and (many, but not all of) my aunts and uncles. We drove through my mission! It was deserty and quite ugly and I am just so excited to serve there!

My Pa and Jeanne's property, on the other hand, is gorgeous and had perfect weather. I was the only grandchild there which is a rare occasion, so I really got to enjoy time getting to know my family a little bit better.

Me and Pa. He was sneaking a kiss on my cheek while I was distracted.

On the way back from California my dad and I went to Vegas. I had never been there (to my recollection, anyway. I guess when I was little I went?). We walked about 6 miles on the Strip. We saw one hooker. And we were requested to attend 2 (or 3) strip clubs. It was great! I was so impressed with the architecture of the Strip AND I didn't even get sore from walking.

My dad and I at the Trevi fountain. He gave me a quarter to throw in (it is supposed to bring you good luck in your love life, or so we were told-- he must really like Erik). 

I flew back to Minnesota from Vegas. I had 5 letters from Erik waiting for me, so it was okay. My heart will always be in the southwest.

My MTC was changed to Provo (instead of Mexico). This was to put me closer to help in case something goes screwy with my back. Also, because I was leaving so quickly they didn't have to worry about figuring out my visa information. BECAUSE I AM LEAVING AT THE END OF MARCH! YEAH!

I've done my final shopping. I've started packing my things. My mom and I have been able to spend a lot of time together. I'M READY!!!

Celebrating at Cheesecake Factory

Can we just take a moment to appreciate how clear my skin looks in this photo? Is puberty finally over?

The week I came back to Minnesota, Erik sent me a package from Chile. The last package he sent took something like 7 weeks to get here so I did not anticipate getting it before I left. MIRACLES HAPPEN! I got the package yesterday. He is so so so wonderful. He included the booklet that the Church published "My Family" (it is a fill-in-the-blank book about your ancestors and you). He started mine for me by filling out the page "about me." He also sent his favorite chocolates from Chile and some socks that match ones he has. Ah, I just am so so thankful for the joy in my life thanks to him. He is a wonderful support and always manages to motivate and uplift me.

I could probably go off on that tangent for years (in fact, I plan to-- ha ha). The point is, I am so blessed.

I am thankful to know that God has a plan for me and that the goal of that plan is for me to be happy and the best that I can be. I know that, given enough time, I will be able to see God's hand in my life in every situation and trial. I know that He put people in my life to help me become better and to get me through the difficult times I have faced. I know that He wants the best for me and that He knows what, exactly, the best is. This knowledge and testimony bring me so much peace and happiness. I am anxiously looking forward to being able to share my testimony of that with the people in southern California.

I can hardly believe that 3 months ago (yesterday) I fell off a ladder and broke my back and foot. I'm now able to work out every morning (able, but not really "willing"), drive, bathe myself, do my own laundry, lift children, and walk without assistance. God has blessed me. I have truly been healed through Him.

Thanks for reading. Keep on keepin' on.

Chanda

Gravity is real, and other things I learned from my fall.

On September 12, 2014 I opened up my mission call. I had been wanting to serve a mission for 2 years, and finally the timing was right in my life and in God's plan.

I was called to serve in the California Rancho Cucamonga mission, speaking Spanish, and I was to report to the Mexico City MTC on December 31st. My only disappointment in that call was that I had to wait three and a half months to report. I was ready (at least mentally) to leave the next week.

I buckled down and made the most of my time to wait. I went shopping, I packed and repacked, I followed the weather in California, I worked as a nanny to pay off my student loans, I spent every Thursday driving an hour to the St. Paul Temple to work there, I continued studying Preach My Gospel and the Book of Mormon.

I was asked to give my farewell talk on December 14th. My dad flew to Minnesota from Arizona, my brother and his wife flew in from New York, and Erik's family flew in from Tucson. The night before my farewell talk we all ate out. When I got home I started feeling sick and spent the rest of the night with a fever, throwing up.

The next morning I debated whether or not I could make it to church. I had uncharacteristically written out my talk and thought about asking my mom to give it for me. But, a girl only gets one farewell talk and I decided to tough it out. My dad came over early to give me a blessing and I sallied forth and spoke in church.

While I was comfortable with the content of my talk, I was pretty disappointed in my presentation of it. Holding on to the pulpit and trying to concentrate on relaxing my stomach muscles didn't lend well to eloquent oration. I got through it, and received some very kind compliments about it. I went home straight after church, disappointed in my experience but accepting that it was what it was and I couldn't change it.

On December 20th I offered to help my mom decorate for the mid-single adults' New Year's dance. As part of the decorations, we were trying to hoist a homemade chandelier up in the middle of the gym. We had set up a pulley system, with 4 ropes, each going through the chandelier and then out to one of the four walls of the cultural hall. On each wall there was an eye-hook that the ropes went through and were pulled from the bottom.

One of the ropes got stuck on the eye-hook, so I climbed up the ladder to guide it through. I was on a 20 foot, A-frame ladder and my feet were about 17 feet up it. Everyone pulled on their respective ropes and I noticed that the eye-hook I was watching was coming undone. As I started to ask everyone to stop pulling, not just the eye-hook, but the entire piece of moulding that the eye-hook was attached to was torn out of the wall. Because it was attached to the other ropes, it had a lot of force coming off the wall and it knocked the (very heavy) ladder over, onto its side.

I knew that I didn't want the ladder or the moulding to land on top of me, so I did the logical thing and bailed off. I accomplished my two main objectives and landed safely away from the ladder and wall. Darla said that I looked very graceful as I landed on my feet and then crumpled.

The landing knocked the air out of me and the two elders who were helping with set up ran over and gave me a blessing of healing. After some deliberation, an ambulance was called and I was taken to St. Francis hospital.

I cracked my calcaneus (the heel bone) of my right foot and got a compression fracture on my T12 vertebra eleven days before I was supposed to leave for my mission. I spent 2 days in the hospital, unable to roll over or sit up without assistance. Over the next few weeks I had to let go of any sense of control or pride I once had as family members cooked for me, showered me, and helped me get dressed.

The day I was supposed to leave for my mission I spent crying, watching the clock and knowing exactly when the plane I wanted to be on took off, headed toward what I had been working for for two and a half years.

I still don't understand exactly why this happened. I have learned a lot, but I like to think that I probably could have gained this knowledge in an easier, less painful way. However, I have complete faith that God is in control and He knew what was happening and He let it happen. I do not doubt that if I was supposed to leave for my mission on December 31st, God could have prevented the accident. That He let it happen is a testament to me that it contained important lessons for me.

One of the more obvious things I gained from this experience is the knowledge of the irrefutable truth of the power and existence of higher laws. 17 feet up is 17 feet down and it doesn't take very long to fall.

William R. Bradford, in a 1977 session of General Conference, said "The law of gravity has its limits and conditions. All of the inventions and movements of man take into account these conditions. If a man falls from a high place, he must descend; it matters not his motives. He may have jumped or it might have been an accident; it matters not. For the law of gravity cannot be frustrated, and so he must fall and suffer the destructive consequences."

More recently in October of 2014, D. Todd Christofferson said "Resenting the law of gravity won’t keep a person from falling if he steps off a cliff. The same is true for eternal law and justice. Freedom comes not from resisting it but from applying it."

After my fall I really couldn't do much. I was dependent on others for anything that required movement or location. I had to accept that. I couldn't pretend that I wasn't hurt, I couldn't tough it out and go about my daily activities. Similarly, we have to accept that there are consequences to our every actions that we can't always ignore. God has given us wonderful tips on how to stay on the positive side of those consequences through His commandments. God knows us and how we tick, He wants us to be happy and has provided the way for that to happen. As I relied on God and His timing, my burdens were lifted. There were times when I felt sad and disappointed and definitely confused, but I learned that the power of faith is the power to let it go.

One of my favorite hymns, The Lord is My Light, came to mean so much more to me after my accident. The first line "The Lord is my light, then why should I fear?" reminds me of another favorite hymn which says "I believe in Christ, so come what may." These two lines became my motto. He is in control. Every petty challenge, or every seemingly insurmountable trial, already has a solution to it. I needed to learn to let Him take the wheel.

As I was lying in bed considering the many ways my fall was messing up all of my future, God already recognized that this would be more help than hindrance in the long run. Every time I have worried about losing a job, paying for an unexpected expense, or finding reasonable housing, God has known that my finances would work out. Nothing I did or could do would change the outcome that God had in mind for me. All I could do was to trust in Him and do my best. The only course of action available to me was to wait it out and have faith that the Lord knew what He was doing.

I tend to be very active and involved. I enjoy being busy and having my time filled up with meaningful work and activities. You can imagine, then, how difficult it was for me to suddenly have nothing but free time and the inability to move out of my bed. I felt like a waste of space. I wasn't progressing toward any goal. I wasn't contributing to any cause. I wanted to be serving a mission, and instead I was in pain and in bed. "And while I strive through grief and pain, His voice is heard 'Ye shall obtain.' " While I felt that all I was doing was killing time and being a burden to those around me, I found comfort in hearing that I would get what I wanted. My goals were not being taken from me permanently. 

I didn't feel like I could do anything to improve or move forward in my goals but I found more comfort in another hymn, "Nearer my God to Thee, nearer to Thee. E'en though it be a cross that raiseth me." Even though I felt useless, I had to learn to accept that this was a teaching method. I needed to learn that even at my best, with me doing everything I can, I still need Christ to "reach my reaching" and help me improve. Needing help in this life helps us to learn how we must rely on God to save us. The various things we go through may seem to be weird methods of instruction, but when God is in charge, we can have faith that they are exactly what we need. Our eternal goal is to become closer to God, for that to happen we have to accept His lessons, whether they come as blessings or trials.

A thought that frequently occurred to me was that God knew exactly what I was going through. Christ personally felt my pain and sadness and worry surrounding this incident, yet God determined that even with how much it would hurt (physically and otherwise) I would benefit more for having gone through it. How great must the lessons and reasons be to justify to my loving Father in Heaven putting me through this accident?

I had to practice my patience. President Uchtdorf said "Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something & doing all that we can- working, hoping, & exercising faith, bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring, it is enduring well." Further, in Jesus the Christ, it says "...it is as necessary at times to wait as at others to work." I was able to practice leaning on God's timing as I waited out my recovery. I tried to remain patient and do what I could. I needed to be put in a position of helplessness so I could better learn to rely on others to help me.

I had many people who reached out to me in so many kind ways. I am incredibly grateful to those who went out of their way to express their love and well wishes to me.

One of my friends, Zac, sent me an email shortly after my accident. In it he quoted Doctrine and Covenants 64: 33-34 which says "Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great. Behold, the Lord requireth the heart and a willing mind; and the willing and obedient shall eat the good of the land of Zion in these last days." He related to me that this scripture helped him throughout his mission. We can take hope knowing that what God requires of us is the heart and a willing mind. He doesn't require constant work and activity. God only expects what we can give, He will make up the rest. That was of particular comfort to me since what I could give was so very little.

Erik, who is serving his mission in Chile, was disheartened to hear about my fall. The week following, one of the elders he lived with shared with him a scripture that he then sent to me. Doctrine and Covenants 6: 33-34, 36 "Fear not to do good, my sons, for whatsoever ye sow, that shall ye also reap; therefore, if ye sow good ye shall also reap good for your reward. Therefore, fear not, little flock; do good; let earth and hell combine against you, for if ye are built upon my rock, they cannot prevail. Look unto me in every thought; doubt not, fear not." It was amazing to me to see God answering my prayers for comfort through a missionary in Chile who doesn't even know me. I knew that I was doing good, that I was doing what I could and trying to follow God. As this scripture states, all that I could do further was to stop doubting and not fear.

I set myself a goal to attend church by January 11th. I was able to go to that Sacrament meeting and in the meeting someone shared Doctrine and Covenants 58: 2-3 "For verily I say unto you, blessed is he that keepeth my commandments, whether in life or in death; and he that is faithful in tribulation, the reward of the same is greater in the kingdom of heaven. Ye cannot behold with your natural eyes, for the present time, the design of your God concerning those things which shall come hereafter, and the glory which shall follow after much tribulation." I have never felt like I wanted much glory but this scripture touched me in its reference to much tribulation. I know that the reasons I went through everything are worth what happened.

I received many Priesthood blessings and I could feel the power of others prayers for me in action. I have absolute faith that God hears our prayers and answers them. I know that He uses others as His mouthpiece on earth and I am grateful to be surrounded by selfless, righteous people.

I feel petty for whining about my accident when I see so many others around me who have gone through, or are currently going through, so much worse. I am thankful that I have been able to heal so quickly and wholly. In the long run, this accident was not a big deal. The lessons I have learned, though, will impact me eternally and I am very grateful for that.

My feelings (not so eloquently put into words)

We're on day 6 since the accident with the ladder. I've had a lot of feelings, some medication induced and others natural. ;)

Overall, I know that I am blessed. I easily could have been hurt far worse by the fall. God was watching out for me, I recognize that. I am also blessed to have such a supportive family near me. They have not left my side (which is not as appreciated as much as it should be). They've catered to my every desire and not complained once. They've sacrificed sleep and comfort and traditions for me. They are so generous and sweet and thoughtful and Christ-like.

I also have felt a little goofy sometimes. I think that maybe that is a combination of the oxycodone (I'm a real lightweight) and the feeling of listlessness I have. So much energy, so little strength. My energy just comes out in bursts of odd behavior (see: the video my mom posted of me on her Facebook).

Also, though, I am incredibly sad. Practically since I moved to Minnesota I have been trying to leave. I was disappointed that my mission call was so far away when I opened it. I was thisclose to leaving. 11 days! 11 days away! I had been tracking the weather. I'd already packed and repacked my luggage. I had my itinerary printed out. I was counting down. Every letter I wrote to Erik started with the number of days left until I got to go serve the Lord in a warm place. To have this happen and have it delay my mission really really sucks.

When I fell, I jokingly told my mom that we would be laughing about the accident when I walked out of the hospital an hour later so I could leave on Dec 31. Before I fell I was up on the ladder with my aunt Darla and jokingly said that God had to protect me because I was due to serve Him in 11 days. (Please note: I was being very careful. My fall would not have happened had the wall not broken off and knocked the ladder over.) In the ER the doctor told me that I was 6-8 weeks out and I lost it.

6-8 more weeks in the cold. And these weeks are shaping up to be kind of terrible.

I love being productive. I am of the mindset that we are only given a certain amount of time on the earth and we ought to make the best of it. But now I am flat on my back for the next 4 weeks. I guess this is a slice of humble pie? I really can't do anything. I really can't go back to work as a nanny. My current concentration doesn't lend well to being able to enjoy a book. I feel completely useless, and I do not like that at all.

The worry has also crossed my mind that my back isn't going to get all the way better and that it will impact my ability to serve when I do go on my mission. I want to serve with all of my strength, and if I have to worry about a sore back/heel then I won't be able to give it my all. I want to serve for 18 months. I'm really scared I won't be able to.

And, lastly, I am frustrated that my future timing has been messed up. I was going to get back a month or so before Erik. I wanted to have a job and be situated by the time he came home so I could help him get back into school and everything he has to do. Now it looks like he will beat me home. That's not a big deal, and it really makes no difference in the long run, but I'm still annoyed about it.

I have reached out to a couple of people asking for online work to keep me busy. I've started reading the Book of Mormon in Spanish again. I've done several crosswords. I'm trying to keep myself up, but it is hard when I am forced to lie down.

My friend Alec texted me and said that God knows how eager I am to serve and He knew the only way to stall me was to throw me off a ladder. I can only hope that is the reason this is happening.

I am eager to serve. And eager to work and learn and get this itchy cast off my leg and be able to stand up again. But I guess I needed to learn patience? And I guess I didn't learn it well enough while I've been working since August. I hope that someday I will know the real reason why this happened and why it happened now. In the meantime, I hope that I will have less days like yesterday where I felt completely depressed and worthless and downtrodden and more days where I can feel useful and positive.

Thank you for the prayers. Thank you for reaching out. I'm blessed, and I definitely know that.

xoxo
Chanda