We're on day 6 since the accident with the ladder. I've had a lot of feelings, some medication induced and others natural. ;)
Overall, I know that I am blessed. I easily could have been hurt far worse by the fall. God was watching out for me, I recognize that. I am also blessed to have such a supportive family near me. They have not left my side (which is not as appreciated as much as it should be). They've catered to my every desire and not complained once. They've sacrificed sleep and comfort and traditions for me. They are so generous and sweet and thoughtful and Christ-like.
I also have felt a little goofy sometimes. I think that maybe that is a combination of the oxycodone (I'm a real lightweight) and the feeling of listlessness I have. So much energy, so little strength. My energy just comes out in bursts of odd behavior (see: the video my mom posted of me on her Facebook).
Also, though, I am incredibly sad. Practically since I moved to Minnesota I have been trying to leave. I was disappointed that my mission call was so far away when I opened it. I was thisclose to leaving. 11 days! 11 days away! I had been tracking the weather. I'd already packed and repacked my luggage. I had my itinerary printed out. I was counting down. Every letter I wrote to Erik started with the number of days left until I got to go serve the Lord in a warm place. To have this happen and have it delay my mission really really sucks.
When I fell, I jokingly told my mom that we would be laughing about the accident when I walked out of the hospital an hour later so I could leave on Dec 31. Before I fell I was up on the ladder with my aunt Darla and jokingly said that God had to protect me because I was due to serve Him in 11 days. (Please note: I was being very careful. My fall would not have happened had the wall not broken off and knocked the ladder over.) In the ER the doctor told me that I was 6-8 weeks out and I lost it.
6-8 more weeks in the cold. And these weeks are shaping up to be kind of terrible.
I love being productive. I am of the mindset that we are only given a certain amount of time on the earth and we ought to make the best of it. But now I am flat on my back for the next 4 weeks. I guess this is a slice of humble pie? I really can't do anything. I really can't go back to work as a nanny. My current concentration doesn't lend well to being able to enjoy a book. I feel completely useless, and I do not like that at all.
The worry has also crossed my mind that my back isn't going to get all the way better and that it will impact my ability to serve when I do go on my mission. I want to serve with all of my strength, and if I have to worry about a sore back/heel then I won't be able to give it my all. I want to serve for 18 months. I'm really scared I won't be able to.
And, lastly, I am frustrated that my future timing has been messed up. I was going to get back a month or so before Erik. I wanted to have a job and be situated by the time he came home so I could help him get back into school and everything he has to do. Now it looks like he will beat me home. That's not a big deal, and it really makes no difference in the long run, but I'm still annoyed about it.
I have reached out to a couple of people asking for online work to keep me busy. I've started reading the Book of Mormon in Spanish again. I've done several crosswords. I'm trying to keep myself up, but it is hard when I am forced to lie down.
My friend Alec texted me and said that God knows how eager I am to serve and He knew the only way to stall me was to throw me off a ladder. I can only hope that is the reason this is happening.
I am eager to serve. And eager to work and learn and get this itchy cast off my leg and be able to stand up again. But I guess I needed to learn patience? And I guess I didn't learn it well enough while I've been working since August. I hope that someday I will know the real reason why this happened and why it happened now. In the meantime, I hope that I will have less days like yesterday where I felt completely depressed and worthless and downtrodden and more days where I can feel useful and positive.
Thank you for the prayers. Thank you for reaching out. I'm blessed, and I definitely know that.
xoxo
Chanda
No comments:
Post a Comment