4AM Ramblings

I hope to not make a habit of this... But I feel like writing.
Maybe I'll delete this post when I'm done.
I guess it depends on what I say in it.

Well, this year I have realized how blessed I am with the people in my life.
My family is great.
I love them. They love me. It is a good feeling.

My friends are great.
And it is more than us just having fun together.
I love them. And I know if I needed anything at all they would do everything they could to help me.
Knowing that people care that much about me makes me soooo happy.
Infinitely so.
Being happy makes me have even more fun.
Which then makes me love my friends more.
I hope they know that I want to help them as much as they help me.
I just adore them.

I've realized lately, I am not normal.
I don't handle emotions well.
I really empathize with people.
But I don't know how to handle it.
I don't know how to show that I care.
And I don't usually know how to help.
So I sit there and listen to them, and feel like a terrible friend for not having the right thing to say and being awkward.
Even when I try to be comforting it comes across as forced. It isn't. I just overanalyze. I worry too much. I miscalculate.
It is sincere. I just don't know how to show that it is.
And I never, ever, ever know what to say.
Usually it comes across as "Well, if I .. yeah, I know... well, like... if it .... yeah... I don't know what to tell you."
Never helpful.
So awkward.
I apologize.

Another thing.
I don't remember details.
About anything important.
I could be hanging out with someone all day and not be able to tell you what they were wearing.
Not that that is important.
But I could tell you what kind of car they drive.
Or the mileage on my car.
Or my best friend's phone numbers.
But not the obvious things.

This makes life difficult.
Because I don't handle emotions well (including my own) and don't remember details... I don't hold many grudges. There are few exceptions.
Mostly, if I get upset with someone I'm over it the next day.
And I mean that.
Unless its a repeat offense-- I just drop it.
People don't seem to understand that though.
They usually think I secretly hold grudges.
I don't.
I either don't think its worth it to hold onto those feelings, or I don't remember enough details to justify staying upset.

This also means there are probably a lot of people that are upset with me for things I don't remember doing.
I know there have been times when I've been falsely accused of things. I'm not counting those.
But when I actually offend someone. Or when I am mean to them.
I forget it. Because I probably did it when I was angry.
But they don't forget it.
So I'm sorry. I would apologize individually, but I don't know who I've done it to.
Please understand, I'm not upset.
Right now there are only 3 or 4 people that I don't like or that I am upset with in this world.
If you are reading this I can almost guarantee you aren't one of them.

Anyway, enough of my 4AM nonsense.

Get some sleep :)
Chanda C.